The truth is that I really haven't waited that long and some people are in the hospital for close to a year. They are fairly confident that the timing will be less but they also can't give me a date or much of a timeframe. I'm a planner. I love to plan. It isn't the wait, really, it is the unknown of when that is driving me nutso. It is like enrolling in school and having no idea how many credits it will take to graduate. It could be 2 or 110 credits and you keep going to class until someday you are notified that you have fulfilled the requirement, which is different for each student. How does that sound? Okay, bad analogy, but the point is that it is not very motivating. I know some things can't be planned in life but for the most part it seems like there is some sort of approximate measure that can be applied. Right??? Even if they could say "9 months" or "December 1st" it would help. Sure, I would be a little shocked but I could start making Halloween costumes (like I know how?) or pinning Christmas recipes and I could focus on that. I realize I could still do that now but it isn't the same.
So even though I was feeling blah I knew there was a plan in place for Monday and I'd likely feel better getting out while I could. We got lucky with nice weather. The nurses discovered that the Children's Floating has outdoor space and even though it is for kids they made an exception for me. I got to eat my ham, turkey, provolone, banana pepper, lettuce and tomato on a spinach wrap lunch under the sun. It was nice. Despite my stoic expression I did enjoy myself. And can I look like more of a creep in that boat?
Shalah, I can only imagine how hard the unknown is. I know how much of a planner you are and how hard this must be. I am so in awe of your patience and good spirits. You are totally allowed to be an emotional wreck over all of this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you got to eat lunch outside for your swan-free day. The wrap sounds delicious — I am going to try to replicate it. I love the boat picture, too. Most people would see that boat and act too cool for school. You went for it. And the pic is awesome. Sending love and hugs. xo
I totally understand this. And I totally understand how tough it must be to feel like "I've gotta seem happy!" when that's just not what's really going on for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm relieved you got some fresh air though. Almost two months! I hope it felt good.
I think about you constantly and can't wait to hear the "it's happening!" news. I know it'll happen soon.
Hang in there. xooxoxo
You know, I had wondered if those swan days were hard because they mark time - as usual, your analogy was perfect. I think you just have to pretend time doesn't exist there and focus on each day only, but I know that's easier said than done. I have a feeling the day it happens will be the day you least expect it. In the meantime, don't be afraid to be honest with people if you aren't in a cheerful mood. And hey, as far as I'm concerned it's never too early for pinning holiday recipes! You are doing an amazing job of handling this all.
ReplyDeleteThat is a good analogy - and I would have never thought about it that way. It's so refreshing to hear your honesty here (and thank you for sharing it) - I can't imagine a situation where time is altered with no indication of when it will change.
ReplyDeleteI agree that Christmas is a good focus! As I tell Lucy & Freddy, Christmas is ALWAYS coming (sometimes to make them feel better about all their ideas about Christmas to-do's that pop-up all year long, sometimes as a warning) :) not sure if it would feel better to have a time goal that you know you have no control over, or to have no time benchmark at all.
You really are incredibly strong and I hope it helps to think about however soon or far, at some point this chapter will be behind you.
Hoping the chapter is ending SOON... just a few more pages lady! Thinking of you.